Victim No More

I am not a victim.
I am not a survivor.
No longer at the mercy of any man.
No longer at the whim of unfulfilled expectations.
I am more than sufficient.
I am more than enough.
I am stronger than I thought I was.
I will thrive.
And I will do it alone.

Life is Not A Popularity Contest

      My childhood was replete with reminders from my parents.  "Tie your shoelaces."  "If she's going to treat you like that, you don't want her as a friend anyway."  "If you'd only work to half your potential, you'd excel."  But the one remark that has always stood out to me has been "Just be yourself."

     My parents went to great lengths to remind me of how wonderful I was every day.  I knew that there was an unwritten rule somewhere that stated that parents were required to blow a requisite amount of sunshine up their children's rear ends.  I was no fool.  I was far from wonderful.   However, my mission in life was to convince the world that I was the cat's meow.  I did this by pretending to be someone who I was not. And it never worked.  I was never popular and often unliked.  Quite frequently throughout my childhood and adolescence, I found myself left out of various parties and get-togethers that my peers planned, unbeknownst to me.  It became part of my identity.

     As an adult, I have learned the value of transparency.  I have learned that good parenting can result in a decline in popularity, particularly in my given set of circumstances.  I now know that taking the path less traveled, but more authentic, may lead to loneliness and misery.  Yet I refuse to compromise my truth, my genuineness, to be less alone.

     Loneliness is hard.  It's painful.  But at the moment it is my choice and my path.

Sunrise

There are certain things in this vast universe that are guaranteed. There is no doubt that every morning the sun will rise. The rising sun heralds a new day, symbolizing, for some, new struggles. For others, our great star's appearance foretells something of greater significance. Often, people will gaze upon the horizon at dawn and see great potential. These optimists are certain that the day will bring positive change.
For me, this day brought some positive change. It brought closure. It brought certainty. While it also brought great pain, often out of agony, new hope is born. Today I choose to celebrate potential of greatness.

Out of Nowhere

It's been a while.
I stopped blogging because the pain became less intense.
I removed my posts because the adversary demanded it and I am accustomed to giving in.

And then the intensity returned.

Out of nowhere.
Great brand new job.
Children thriving at school.
Heartbreak long forgotten.

Out of nowhere.
Shame over past mistakes.
Regret over what never was.
Pain over intense unspeakable loss.

Out of nowhere.
Sobbing into dry hands.
Questioning unto oblivion.
Doubting as to purpose.

Out of nowhere.
Alone.
Forgotten.
Miserable.

With nobody to blame but myself.